If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.