The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.