(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer