good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Bill is short for Billiam
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?