Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
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If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
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One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried