Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.