I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
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In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy