Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?