@peachesanscream

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

@peachesanscream

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

@peachesanscream

Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”

Barista: …

Barista: …

Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”

@peachesanscream

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

@peachesanscream

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

@peachesanscream

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

@peachesanscream

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

@peachesanscream

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

@peachesanscream

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.