@perfect_messs

*sets fire to a pile of dirty clothes*

And just like that, laundry is done.

@perfect_messs

Me: Can’t remember what I said 2 seconds ago.

Also me: Remembers verbatim our 37 min conversation about belly button lint from 5 yrs ago.

@perfect_messs

Sign at gym says “Judgement Free Zone.” Lets see if they really mean it, I think as I pull a corn dog from my bra while doing the leg press.

@perfect_messs

[Miss America]
I gracefully take off my sports bra as my talent. Everyone is in awe. I win the crown for doing what no woman has done before

@perfect_messs

[during sex]
Him, referring to my Spanx: Don’t you want to take those off first?
Me: It took me 3 hrs to get these on. This is my skin now.