me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
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[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Oops
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan