Them: What’s your favorite food?
*sets fire to a pile of dirty clothes*
And just like that, laundry is done.
Me: Can’t remember what I said 2 seconds ago.
Also me: Remembers verbatim our 37 min conversation about belly button lint from 5 yrs ago.
Sign at gym says “Judgement Free Zone.” Lets see if they really mean it, I think as I pull a corn dog from my bra while doing the leg press.
I gracefully take off my sports bra as my talent. Everyone is in awe. I win the crown for doing what no woman has done before
Him, referring to my Spanx: Don’t you want to take those off first?
Me: It took me 3 hrs to get these on. This is my skin now.
Me: I’ve totally got this.
Narrator: Oh this ought to be good.