i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
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If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.