dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy