Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*