I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
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She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
New Tinder profile.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”