@peteholmes

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

@peteholmes

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

@peteholmes

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

@peteholmes

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

@peteholmes

Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word “stop.”

@peteholmes

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

@peteholmes

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

@peteholmes

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

@peteholmes

Sometimes I like to pretend an ! is just a ? squeezing through a tight space.