“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
You’re leaving Twitter? For good? That’s too bad. We’ll miss you. See you next week!
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.