My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
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[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.