@phaggots

“Paper or plastic?”

Sorry i have a boyfriend

“Thats cool, but how should i bag your grocer-”

I think we should just be friends

@phaggots

“911, please help im dying”
Good cop: help is on the way
Bad cop: just suck it up and be a man
Dad cop: hi dying, im dad

@phaggots

*about to rob a bank*

“Okay, lets do this. Everybody, grab a gun”

i dont need one

“why not”

i already have two

*kisses biceps*

@phaggots

[ouija board]

Spirits im in need of your help

O N L Y I F Y O U H E L P U S

Sure

W T F I S Y O U R W I F I P A S S W O R D

@phaggots

[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]

“Scorpio’s drink water when they’re thirsty”

OMG THIS IS SO ME

@phaggots

Bae: come over
Me: can we ever have normal conversations
Bae: my parents aren’t home
Me: why can’t you just ask how good my day was for once

@phaggots

[texting my girlfriend]

wyd?

“Just finished my homework”

Cool, Send a pic (; ?

*gf sends a nude*

Ewww wtf!! i meant of your homework!