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I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
i wish we could shoplift online
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…