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Page of pharmasean's best tweets

@pharmasean : What's your spirit animal?
"An eagle. They're so majestic."
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what's your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

@pharmasean: If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

@pharmasean: If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a 'bloodshed,' well I've just about given up on you

@pharmasean: A song called "Baby It's Not *THAT* Cold Outside" where I'm just trying to get the lady to leave

@pharmasean: “Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

@pharmasean: "I just figured the 'H' was broken on your sign"
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

@pharmasean: Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called "Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

@pharmasean: Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

@pharmasean: [in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

@pharmasean: My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person