marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
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I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Lmbo
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
i will not be silenced
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion