Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
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Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee