The babysitter wanted $25.00 an hour this weekend, so I just bought my kid an iPad instead.


The first thing they teach you in AA is to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.


[1st Date]

Her: I’ve had a hysterectomy
Him: I’ve had a vasectomy
Her: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Him: You gonna eat those fries?