[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
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britain’s three elite institutions
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna