Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable