becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
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Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?