Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.