[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.