I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her