I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
You Might Also Like
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?