wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now