Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
man: wait
time: no
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door