The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
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A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Brb my Sims are getting married
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.