I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?