Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.