*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.