The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.