Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
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[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”