My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
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Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
A great tip. #CakeRex
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.