20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
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[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”