127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
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A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Become a minion. Get that bread.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.