Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible