Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Heard in Toy Story 5 the toys meet Andy’s Mom’s new toy.
Suddenly the song You’ve Got A Friend In Me has a whole new meaning…
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top