@pittdave13

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

@pittdave13

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

@pittdave13

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

@pittdave13

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

@pittdave13

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

@pittdave13

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

@pittdave13

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

@pittdave13

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

@pittdave13

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

@pittdave13

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six