*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere