“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years