Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people