This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Godspeed, John Glenn
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.