I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
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Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”