Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
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My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.