I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.