They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
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Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal