Anime is real
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My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
No chill.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
me doing my best
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.