[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.